Monty Picard & the Holy Dilithium Crystal
by Q
Summary: A reenactment of Monty Python & the Holy Grail with the replacement of Star Trek characters and situations. A bit of every ST series in here.
1. Monty Picard Chapter 1

## 

  
Authors notes: A reenactment of Monty Python & the Holy Grail with the replacement of Star Trek characters and situations. Time has no meaning for the characters in this story.   


#  Monty Picard & the   
Holy Dilithium Crystal 

##  Chapter 1   
Written By: Q 

### 

(A slight breeze blows, the sound of horse clop-clopping in the distance) 

KING ARTHUR: Whoa there! 

( A bald man with the stony expression yelled. He was dressed as a knight who was in power with a sword and phaser by his side. Pips of high rank also decorated his armor) 

(Final clop-clops end as his Scottish sidekick pulls up beside him) 

GUARD GEORDI LAFORGE: Halt! Who goes there? 

(A dark skinned guard from thr top of a castle eyes the strange vistors) 

KING ARTHUR: It is I, Captain and King Jean-Luc Arthur Picard, from the castle Enterpise. 

LAFORGE: Shove this visor up my nose! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I am! (With Pride) And this my trusty servant Scotty. 

SCOTTY: Aye. 

(Arthur's younger sidekick nods with a menacing glare) 

KING ARTHUR: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of officers who will join my at my court in Enterprise. 

LAFORGE: What ridden a horse? 

KING ARTHUR: Yes! (says slightly annoyed) 

LAFORGE: You're using tricorders! 

KING ARTHUR: What? (Scotty looks down to see his two tricorders) 

LAFORGE: You've got two old Enterprise tricorders and you're banging them together! 

(Arthur ignores the irrelevent statement and goes on to tell of their noble journey) 

KING ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of Winter covered this land, through the neutral zone, through- 

LAFORGE: Where'd you get the tricorders? 

KING ARTHUR: We found them. (face still stony and serious) 

LAFORGE: Found them? In the 24th century? The tricorder's ancient! 

KING ARTHUR: What do you mean? 

LAFORGE: This is the 24th century! 

KING ARTHUR: The Enterprise may travel around the sun, and the guardian of forever provides entrance to the past, yet these are not strangers to our land. 

LAFORGE: Are you suggesting tricorders time-travel? 

KING ARTHUR: Not at all. They could have been hurled. 

LAFORGE: What, a man hurl a tricorder? 

KING ARTHUR: He could grip it by the handle. 

LAFORGE: Its not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of strength! A simple human cannot throw a tricorder at warp speed! 

KING ARTHUR: Well it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Jean-Luc from the bridge of Enterprise is here. 

LAFORGE: Listen, in order to maintain time travel velocity a tricorder has to float beyond warp 9.3, right? 

KING ARTHUR: Please! (annoyance now in full) 

LAFORGE: Am I right? 

KING ARTHUR:(sigh) I'm not interested! 

(A new head pops into view and joins the debat) 

GUARD DATA: It could be hurled by a mad klingon. 

LAFORGE: Oh yeah, a mad klingon maybe, but not a human, that's my point. 

DATA: Yes, I agree. 

KING ARTHUR: Will you ASK your master if he wants to join me at my bridge at Enterprise!? 

LAFORGE: But then again, the average klingon of the past wouldn't carry a federation tricorder. (Ignoring the Captain and Scottsman) 

DATA: True 

LAFORGE: So he wouldn't have much of a chance at hurling the tricorder anyway. 

(Arthur and Scotty trot off annoyed at the guards persistence at a pointless topic) 

DATA: Wait a minute, suppose he hurled it out the window of a starship travelling at a high warp. 

LAFORGE: No, he'd be sucked out into space. 

DATA: Simple! You just use an environmental suit. 

LAFORGE: What with magnetic boots? 

DATA: Obviously.... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

(In the slum sights of sickbay, a klingon casually walks along with a cart.) 

WORF: Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead. (Clang) Bring out your dead. 

ODO: Here's one. Nine bars I'd say. (Walks in carrying a ferengi over his shoulder) 

QUARK: I'm not dead! 

WORF: What? 

QUARK: I'm not dead! (Yells out of desperasion) 

WORF: Here -- he says he's not dead. 

ODO: Yes he is. 

(Ignoring the ferengi's plea's.) 

QUARK: I'm not! 

WORF: He isn't. 

ODO: Well, he will soon be. He's very ill. 

QUARK: I'm getting better! 

ODO: No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment. 

WORF: Well, I can't take him like that; it's against regulations. 

QUARK: I don't want to go in the cart! 

ODO: Oh, don't be such a baby. 

WORF: I can't take him. 

QUARK: I feel fine! 

ODO: Oh. do us a favor. 

WORF: I can't. 

ODO: Well, can you hang around a few minutes. He won't be long. (Determined to get rid of the ferengi.) 

WORF: Naaaaah. I've got to go to the Crusher's. They've lost nine today. 

ODO: Well, when is your next round. 

WORF: Thursday. 

QUARK: I think I'll go for a walk. Make profit at the bar. 

ODO: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look isn't there something you can do? 

QUARK: I feel happy...I fell happy. 

(Worf takes a quick look around before taking both fists and ramming them into the helpless ferengi's head.) 

ODO: (Lumps Quark on the cart) Ah, thanks very much. 

WORF: Not at all; see you on Thursday. 

ODO: Right 

(Arthur and Scotty ride by with their tricorders banging.) 

WORF: Who's that then? 

ODO: I don't know. 

WORF: Must be a Captain. 

ODO: Why? 

WORF: He's got pips all over him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Disclaimer: I don't own it..

1. Monty Picard Chapter 12. Monty Picard Chapter 23. Monty Picard Chapter 34. Monty Picard Chapter 45. Monty Picard Chapter 56. Monty Picard Chapter 67. Monty Picard Chapter 7 Next >

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted. 

Favorite : Story  Author    Follow : Story  Author 

Login

  * [FanFiction][1]
  * [FictionPress][1]
  * [Google][1]
  * [Facebook][1]
  * [Twitter][1]

Post Review

* * *

Report Abuse Add Story to Community  Go  .  

Share

  * [Google+][2]
  * [Twitter][3]
  * [Tumblr][4]
  * [Facebook][5]

  .  Follow/Favorite

+ Follow 

* * *

Story  Writer 
+ Favorite 

* * *

Story  Writer 

Working... Close Save

   [1]: #
   [2]: https://plus.google.com/share?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F1%2F
   [3]: http://twitter.com/home?status=Reading+story%3A+http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F1%2F
   [4]: http://www.tumblr.com/share/link?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F1%2F
   [5]: http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F1%2F



	2. Monty Picard Chapter 2

## 

  
Authors notes: A reenactment of Monty Python & the Holy Grail with the replacement of Star Trek characters and situations. Time has no meaning for the characters in this story.   


#  Monty Picard & the   
Holy Dilithium Crystal 

##  Chapter 2   
Written By: Q 

### 

(Arthur and Scotty are riding proudly along the English countryside, when they spot a castle. He rides towards it with a peasant in front of him.) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Old woman! 

WESLEY: Man! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What Lieutenant lives in that castle over there? 

WESLEY: I'm 15. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What? 

WESLEY: I'm 15; I'm not old! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well I can't just call you `man'. 

WESLEY: Well, you could say `Wesley'. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Wesley'. 

WESLEY: Well, you didn't bother to find out did you? 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman', but from the behind you looked... 

WESLEY: What I object to is your automatically treating me like an inferior! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, I am your Captain. 

WESLEY: Oh Captain, eh, bravo. And how did you get that? By exploitin' your Captain; by hanging on to outdated maneuvers in order to protect your Captaincy! If there's every going to be any progress... 

DATA: (In a high-pitched tone) Wesley there's some lovely filth down here. Oh, how do you do? 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: How do you do good man... 

DATA: Lady! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Shoots Scotty a perturbed look) How do you do good lady. I am Arthur, Captain of the Enterprise. Who's castle is that? (Scotty eye's Data with a disgusted look on his face) 

DATA: Captain of the what? 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The Enterprise. 

DATA: What is the Enterprise? 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The Enterprise is the starship I command, and you are all my crew members. 

DATA: I didn't know we had a Captain. I thought we were an autonomous collective. 

WESLEY: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A Starfleet organized autocracy, in which the subordinate officers... 

DATA: Oh there you go bringing rank into it again. 

WESLEY: That's what its all about if only people would... 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Please, please good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? 

DATA: No one lives there. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Then who is your Commander? 

DATA: We don't have a Commander. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What? 

WESLEY: I told you. This is anarcho-syndicalist academy. We take it in turns as a dictator of the learning material for the week. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Yes. 

WESLEY: But all the decisions of that student must be ratified by a special biweely meeting. 

CAPTIAN ARTHUR: Yes I see. 

WESLEY: By consulting our own academy computer in case of purely internal teachings. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet! 

WESLEY: But by hacking into the ship's main computers for more advanced... 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! 

DATA: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I am your Captain! 

DATA: Well I didn't vote for you. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You don't vote for Captains. 

DATA: Well how did you become Captain then? 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: The U.S.S Stargazer, her crew locked in deadly battle with a ferengi vessel, was saved by a tactical maneuver of my own design, signifying by superior intelligence that I, Arthur, was to command the Enterprise. That is why I am your Captain! 

WESLEY: Listen, strange ships, lying in space, firing photons on your pathetic Stargazer is no basis for a Captaincy. Supreme Captaincy power derives from a lifetime of higher learning, not from some dumb desperate maneuver. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Be quiet! 

WESLEY: Well, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power, because some profit craving butthead took a potshot at you! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Shut up! (He begins to walk towards Wesley) 

WESLEY: I mean if I went around saying that I was an admiral, because some drunken cloaked Klingon blew up my shuttlecraft they'd have me put away! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (He grabs Wesley's arms and locks them.) Shut up! Will you shut up! 

WESLEY: Ah, now we see the apparent dislike and intolerance for children. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Shut up! (He begins to tighten his grip in order to silence his captive) 

WESLEY: Oh, come and see the Captain's apparent dislike and intolerance for children. HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Releases grip) Pesky brat! 

WESLEY: Oh what a give away! Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm talking about! (Turns to Data) Did you see him repressing me? You saw it didn't you? 

(Arthur and Scotty ride off toward the castle. As they steadily approach, they come across a wooded area. They began their glorious approach through the woods to their destination.) 

(As they are riding a sound reaches their ears. The sounds of battle noises. They ride toward the sounds and find two men in deadly combat. A black knight holding his own with a clean fencing sword, and a rather odd looking green knight with a with a visor strewn across the eyepiece to his helmet holding his own with a fencing sword and a with two weapons at his back. A mace and an axe.) 

(Their swords meet for a long moment. They both swivel their swords from side to side in order to free the others grip. The green knight is successful in grounding the others sword, but the black knight moves up and gives him a sharp kick in the groin. The green knight retaliates with a punch that sends the black knght to the floor. The green knight picks up his mace and runs toward his foe. As he approaches he brings his deadly weapon down on his foe. The black knight barely blocks the blow with a quick block of his sword. The two struggle for a moment, and the black knight manages to knock the green knight to the side. They both stand to their feet. Finding his axe, the green knight holds it over his head and charges. The black knight notices the approach and throws his sword at his approaching foe. The sword makes an impossible flight through the air and cuts straight through the green knights visor and eyepiece. His foe falls to the ground, defeated.) 

(Arthur shoots Scotty a worried expression and then glances back in time to see the black knight pull his sword out of the helmet. He has great difficulty plucking off the visor and throws it away in disgust.He then leans slightly against his sword in a defensive stance. At this time Arthur and Scotty cautiously make their approach.) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. 

BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I seek the finest and the bravest officers in the land to join me in my bridge of Enterprise. 

BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Shoots Scotty an estranged look, then proceeds.) You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me? 

BLACK KNIGHT: (Stares forward) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. 

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. (The voice resembles none other than Hikaru Sulu.) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What? 

SULU: None shall pass. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge. 

SULU: Then you shall die. 

SCOTTY: Le'me at 'em, Captain! The laddie won't stand a chance..(Arthur restrains the combat-crazy scottsman.) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: I command you as Captain of the Enterprise to stand aside! Make it SO! 

SULU: I move for no man. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: So be it! 

(The two lock in deadly combat. Faint old series danger music can be heard in the background. They clash swords several times, until Picard gives his foe a swift blow on the head with the hilt of his sword. As they fight continues, Sulu swings his sword downward and missed, leaving himself open for attack. Picard then chops his left arm off.) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. 

SULU: 'Tis but a scratch. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off! 

SULU: No it isn't. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? (Arthur points toward his dismembered arm.) 

SULU: I've had worse. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You liar! 

SCOTTY: You unworthy piece of klingon CRAP! (Gives Sulu a menacing glare.) 

SULU: Do you wish to join your fellow engineer among the dead? (Ignores the fighting-frenzied engineer. Turns back to Picard saying.) Come on you pansy! 

(They clash swords again. Sulu makes a desperate lunge and Picard dodges to the left bringing his sword up. The sword cuts Sulu's right arm off.) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Victory is mine. (Kneels) We thank thee Lord that in thy merc- 

SULU: (Kicks Picard in the head while he is kneeling.) Come on then. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What? 

SULU: Have at you! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine. 

SULU: Oh, had enough, eh? 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look, you stupid moron, you've got no arms left! 

SULU: Yes I have. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look! 

SULU: Just a flesh wound. (Kicks Picard square in the butt.) 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look, stop that. 

SULU: Chicken! Chicken! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Look I'll have your leg. Right! (Picard whops Sulu's left leg off) 

SULU: Right, I'll do you for that! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You'll what? 

SULU: Come here! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me? 

SULU: I'm invincible! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: You're a loony! 

SULU: The black knight always triumphs! Have at you! (Stomps on his toe) Come on then. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: (Chops Sulu's other leg off, leaving him a simple torso with a head. 

SULU: (Looks down to see that all of his fighting appendages are gone) Alright; we'll call it a draw. 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Come, Scotty. 

SULU: (As they ride off.) Oh, oh, i see, running away, eh? You yellow bald pathetic excuse for a captain! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bit your legs off! 

SCOTTY: (Stops and looks around to check and see if the Captian was still looking and quickly introduces Sulu to his fist. The Black knight falls over, Scotty mumbles) Denevian slime devil... (Hurries to join the Captain.) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Disclaimer: I don't own it..

< Prev 1. Monty Picard Chapter 12. Monty Picard Chapter 23. Monty Picard Chapter 34. Monty Picard Chapter 45. Monty Picard Chapter 56. Monty Picard Chapter 67. Monty Picard Chapter 7 Next >

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted. 

Favorite : Story  Author    Follow : Story  Author 

Login

  * [FanFiction][1]
  * [FictionPress][1]
  * [Google][1]
  * [Facebook][1]
  * [Twitter][1]

Post Review

* * *

Report Abuse Add Story to Community  Go  .  

Share

  * [Google+][2]
  * [Twitter][3]
  * [Tumblr][4]
  * [Facebook][5]

  .  Follow/Favorite

+ Follow 

* * *

Story  Writer 
+ Favorite 

* * *

Story  Writer 

Working... Close Save

   [1]: #
   [2]: https://plus.google.com/share?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F2%2F
   [3]: http://twitter.com/home?status=Reading+story%3A+http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F2%2F
   [4]: http://www.tumblr.com/share/link?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F2%2F
   [5]: http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F2%2F



	3. Monty Picard Chapter 3

# Monty Python and the Holy Dilithium Crystal Chapter 3   


### Q 

(Several hundred klingons are standing in a circle with phasers set on stun. They began to chant some song in Klingon. As the first two lines of the songs are completed they shoot the phasers amidst themselves. Thirty Klingons fall and in the distance several red shirts fall are hit with the phaser. The sing another line and shoot more beams. Twenty fall along with a red shirt, some friend of Kirk's in the distant past, a Romulan, and a girl Kirk dated...um...say three-and-a-half years ago. They chant some more and shoot again. This time twenty-five fall followed by Sulu's dog, Mudd, and a tribble. They sing the last line of the song and aim at themselves. The remainder of the Klingons fall.) 

In the distance could be heard... 

CROWD: A borg! A borg! (A crowd begins barging through the streets holding tight to a struggling borg in the midst of them.) 

KIRK: We've got a borg! 

CROWD: A borg! (The crowd drifts toward a very intelligent logical vulcan who appears to be testing the theory of tricorders time travelling) 

O'BRIAN: We have found a borg, might we blow him up! 

CROWD: Blow him up! Boom! Explosian! 

SIR SPOCK: How do you know he is a borg? 

KIRK: He looks like one. 

SIR SPOCK: Bring him forward. (Crowd pushes the borg towards Spock.) 

LOCUTUS: I'm not a borg. I'm not a borg. 

SIR SPOCK: But you are dressed as one. 

LOCUTUS: They dressed me up like this. 

CROWD: No we didn't--no--not at all. 

LOCUTUS: And these aren't my implants they're false ones. 

SIR SPOCK: (He lifts up the fake implants to reveal picards shiny head, then nonchalantly sets it back down. Adressing the crowd he continues.) Well? 

O'BRIAN: Well we did do the implants. 

SIR SPOCK: The implants? 

O'BRIAN: And the flashy laser thing--but he is a borg! 

CROWD: Blow him up! Borg! Borg! Blow him up! Sky high! 

SIR SPOCK: Did you dress him up like this? 

CROWD: No, no, no...yes...a bit, a bit. 

O'BRIAN: He is kind of pale. 

KIRK: (Quickly points at Picard's face for proof.) 

SIR SPOCK: What makes you think he is a borg? 

WORF: Well, he assimilated me! 

SIR SPOCK: Assimilated you? 

WORF: (Looks around in thoughtfulness) I got better. 

KIRK: Blow him up anyway! 

CROWD: Blow him up! Exposion! Blow him up! 

SIR SPOCK: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a borg. 

CROWD: Are there? Why then tell us. What are they? 

KIRK: Does they hurt? 

SIR SPOCK: Tell me, what do you do with borgs? 

KIRK: Blow them sky high! 

CROWD: Blow them up! Blooooooooooo.... 

SPOCK: And what do you blow up apart from borgs? 

KIRK: More borgs! 

O'BRIAN: (Smacks him) Shhhhh! 

WORF: Their ship! 

SIR SPOCK: So, why do borgs blow up? 

CROWD: (Everybody is suddenly stunned. A deep pensiveness broods over the entire lot of Starfleet officers.) 

WORF: B-...'cause their made of...thier ship? 

SIR SPOCK: Good! 

CROWD: Oh yeah. That's right. 

SIR SPOCK: So how do we tell whether he is made of his ship? 

O'BRIAN: Build a cube out of him! 

SIR SPOCK: Ahh, but can you not also make cubes out of wooden blocks? 

KIRK: Oh yeah. 

SIR SPOCK: Do borgs die easily? 

O'BRIAN: No, no. 

KIRK: They adapt! They adapt! 

O'BRIAN: Throw him into the phaser banks! 

CROWD: Phaser banks! Phaser banks! 

SIR SPOCK: What also adapts? 

O'BRIAN: Chamaleons. 

KIRK: Klingons. 

WORF: Captains. 

O'BRIAN: Keiko. 

KIRK: Uhhh...tribbles. 

O'BRIAN: Subsace anomalies. 

WORF: Q's! Q's! 

KIRK: Odo! Odo! 

KING PICARD: An artificial life form. 

CROWD: Ooooooo... 

SIR SPOCK: Exactly! So logically... 

O'BRIAN: If...he...weighs the same as an artificial life form, then he's made of his ship. 

SIR SPOCK: And therefore? 

CROWD: A borg! A borg! A borg! 

SIR SPOCK: We shall use my largest scales. 

CROWD: (They grab Locutus and drag him towards Spock's scales. From within the crowd they drag out Data. They place them both carefully on each side of the scale. 

SIR SPOCK: Right. REMOVE THE SUPPORTS! 

(Two large officers hammer the large supports. The scales creak up and down for a moment, then they finally break even.) 

CROWD: A borg! A borg! 

LOCUTUS: Make it so. 

CROWD: Blow him up! 

KIRK: Bloooooow him up! 

SIR SPOCK: (He turns to King Picard) Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? 

KING PICARD: I am Arthur, Captain of the castle Enterprise. 

SIR SPOCK: My liege. 

KING PICARD: Good Sir Science officer, will you come with me to the Enterprise, and join us on the bridge? 

SIR SPOCK: My liege! I would be honored. It is a most logical move. 

KING PICARD: What is your name? 

SIR SPOCK: Spock, my liege. 

KING PICARD: (He takes out his phaser and lightly taps him on each shoulder.) Then I dub you Sir Spock, Knight and Science officer of the bridge. And the best thing that happened to Star Trek since the enterprise was first fathomed. 

Q: The wise Sir Spock was the first to join King Picard's officers, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Riker the Brave and Handsome; Sir Kirk the Chick Magnet; and Sir Julian the not-so-brave-as-Sir-Riker who had nearly fought the Cardassians, who had nearly stood up to the viscous Security officer of Deep Space Nine, and who had personally wet himself as the Klingons fired upon the space station; and aptly Sir-not-appearing-in-this-skit. (Holds up a picture of Neelix.) Together they form a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the officers of the Enterprise. 

SIR SPOCK: And that, my liege, is how we know that the old space stations to be shaped like a baby rattler. 

KING PICARD: This new learning amazes me, Sir Spock. Explain again how mythical gods from other planets who fall in love with lady officers can be stopped by blowing up thier temple. 

SIR SPOCK: Oh, certainly, sir. 

SIR RIKER: Look my liege! 

KING PICARD: Enterprise! 

SIR KIRK: Enterprise! 

SIR RIKER: Enterprise! 

SCOTTY: It's only a model hung upside down on a piece of string in a dark room. 

KING PICARD: Knights, I bid you welcome to your knew home. Let us ride to Enterprise! 

(Music starts up on the enterprise. The officers of the enterprise begin singing.) 

We're Sirs of the Enterprise. The place where the red shirt dies. We wear black jeans, During fighting scenes, In which we fight the bad guys. Though faced with wierd guys every year. We don't weep or sigh or shed a tear. 

(Several officers in line in Ten-forward dance about in kick their legs, while Cardassians are spinning in the background and the klingons in a choir join in with the singing) 

We're sirs of the Enterprise. Where we entertain you guys. But other shows, With stupid foes, We know are not for your eyes. We're a busy lot here at Starfleet. Making sure our captain's seat is neat. 

(There is more crazy dancing and swinging. In the background the holographic Doc is seen hanging from chains in sickbay. He is clapping along with the beat as well.) 

Oh we're strong, cool, and wise. Ready to face flinging pies. If we had a dime, For every time, Kirk kissed a girl and she dies. We'd be rich officers on the bridge. (Worf solo) What do you all think of my cool riiiiiiidge? 

(The music abruptly ends) 

KING PICARD: Well on second thought, let us not go to the enterprise. Tis a silly place. 

ALL THE OFFICERS: Right.

< Prev 1. Monty Picard Chapter 12. Monty Picard Chapter 23. Monty Picard Chapter 34. Monty Picard Chapter 45. Monty Picard Chapter 56. Monty Picard Chapter 67. Monty Picard Chapter 7 Next >

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted. 

Favorite : Story  Author    Follow : Story  Author 

Login

  * [FanFiction][1]
  * [FictionPress][1]
  * [Google][1]
  * [Facebook][1]
  * [Twitter][1]

Post Review

* * *

Report Abuse Add Story to Community  Go  .  

Share

  * [Google+][2]
  * [Twitter][3]
  * [Tumblr][4]
  * [Facebook][5]

  .  Follow/Favorite

+ Follow 

* * *

Story  Writer 
+ Favorite 

* * *

Story  Writer 

Working... Close Save

   [1]: #
   [2]: https://plus.google.com/share?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F3%2F
   [3]: http://twitter.com/home?status=Reading+story%3A+http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F3%2F
   [4]: http://www.tumblr.com/share/link?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F3%2F
   [5]: http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F3%2F



	4. Monty Picard Chapter 4

## 

  
Authors notes: Here is chapter four and this one's funny! Hope you enjoy!   


#  Monty Picard and the Holy Dilithium Crystal   
Chapter 4 

  
Written By: Q 

### 

(Suddenly the sky splits wide open in and a blinding white blue light pulsates out of the strange anomaly. Arthur's knights avert their eyes and falling to the ground overcome by the waves of heat and light. Arthur stands strong against the varying forms of energy emmiting from this spectacular array. He gazes intently into the center of this strange phenomena and strains his eyes. A large face swiveled around to meet his eyes. This weird creatures eyes opened up and revealed small ruby red beads of eyes. Before his eyes this hiddeous array melted into a famiar face.) 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Q! 

Q: Arthur. 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Yes. 

Q: Arthur, captain of the enterprise. 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Wait a minute shouldn't I be calling you Author? After all your the one writing this stuff. 

Q: That's Arthur not Author you idiot, its your second hand sub title when taking on the personification of the well known King Arthur who I must say was indeed more much more wonderful company. You have some of his idiocy captured in the well known 74 movie The Holy Grail mingled with Picard's physical appearance and general haughty attitude. 

CAPTAIN PICARD: I see... 

Q: And won't you tell everyone to stop groveling and cowaring. 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Oh sorry... 

Q: And don't apologize. 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Yes, yes... 

Q: And don't be so agreeable. 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Oh I will. 

Q: That's better. Well, are your men going to get up? 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Well, there's this problem... 

Q: Being... 

CAPTAIN PICARD: It's that bluish glare around you. Not at all good for the retina. 

Q: Oh yeah. Had to make it spectacular you know. Being the author and all. Here I'll dampen the glow. 

(Arthur's men slowly stood up and gazed about. They soon saw the familiar face of Q and awaited his impending speech.) 

Q: Ah hem. This is where the plot to this story all begins. It's really quite simple. Arthur, your knights have a task to perform to make them an example in these dark times. I hear the enterprise is not exactly in working condition. The problem--missing dilithium crystals as always. Well, there is a rumor of a crystal around these parts that could charge a starship such as yours to travel nonstop for centuries at maximum output! It has been known by some as the 'Holy Dilithium Crystal'. It is your task to find it. 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Good idea, Q! 

Q: Course its a good idea! Behold arthur, a computer generated holagram of the Holy Dilithium crystal. 

_ _ _ _ _ *  
_ _ _ _* /\ *  
_ _ _ * / _\ *  
_ _ _* / _ _\ *  
_ _ * / _ _ _\ *  
_ _* / _ _ _ _\ *  
_ * |_ _ { } _ _| *  
_ _* \ _ _ _ _/ *  
_ _ * \ _ _ _/ *  
_ _ _* \ _ _/ *  
_ _ _ * \ _/ *  
_ _ _ _* \/ *  
_ _ _ _ _ * 

Q: Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this crystal. That is your mission, Arthur--The Quest For the Holy Dilithium Crystal. 

(The strange anomaly gradually recycled into nothing) 

CAPTAIN PICARD: A mission. 

SIR RIKER: A mission from the Q Continuum. 

KIRK: Take us out. 

(They ride forth bent on their mission of finding the sacred dilithium crystal. They soon approach a castle, and gallantly they make their approach. Their quest would start here.) 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Halt! 

(They all stop and Scotty blows a shrill whistle through an old horn.) 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Hello! Hello! 

CHEKOV: (Pokes his head over a turret of the castle) 'ello. Who is zis? (He has an extremely thick russian accent.) 

CAPTAIN PICARD: It is Captain Arthur, and these are my knights of the Enterprise. Whose castle is this? 

CHEKOV: Zis is the cistle of my master, Gen Rodinberry. 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Q with a sacred mission. If he will give us a script and dressing rooms for the night he can join us in out quest for the Holy Dilithium Crystal. 

CHEKOV: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't zink he'll be wery keen... Uh, he's already got one, you see? 

CAPTAIN PICARD: What? 

KIRK: He says they've already got one! 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Are you sure he's got one? 

CHEKOV: Oh, yes it's wery nice. Pssst (to his friends on the castle Sarek, Wesley, and Odo) I told zem we already got one. (They burst into a fit of silent laughter.) 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Well, um, can we come up and have a look? 

CHEKOV: Of course not! You're an English type! 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Well, what are you then? 

CHEKOV: I'm Russian! Why do zink I have zis outrageous accent, you silly Keptin! 

KIRK: What are you doing in Starfleet? 

CHEKOV: Mind your own beesiness! 

CAPTAIN PICARD: If you will not show us the Dilithium Crystal we shall take your castle by force! 

CHEKOV: You don't frighten us, Starfleet pig-dogs! Go and point a phaser at your kimmunikitors, sons of a silly person. You and all your silly Starfleet Wwwwessels! 

KIRK: What a strange person. 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Now look here, my good officer! 

CHEKOV: I'm not up to talking to you no more, you deft, bald, ferengi ship janitor! I fert in your general direction! You're mother was a Klingon and your father smelt of Ferengi! 

KIRK: Is there someone else up there we can talk to? 

CHEKOV: No, now go away, or I shall taunt you a wery bad a second time! 

CAPTAIN ARTHUR: Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable... 

CHEKOV: Fitch the Girik! 

ODO: Huh? 

CHEKOV: Fitch the Girik! 

CAPTAIN PICARD: If you do not agree to my commands then I shall... 

(There is a loud twang as a wriggling Cardassian is flung headlong over the castle walls. He falls on one of Picard's redshirts.) 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Right! Charge! 

ALL: Charge! 

(Suddenly the ferocity of the attack increases as ferengis and tribbles are hurled over the castle, followed by an assortment of Klingons, Cardassians, Morn, cats, Ferengis, phasers, communicators, and wigs.) 

CHEKOV: And zis one is your mother! (Another twang is heard as Spock's mother flys over the castle turrets.) 

ALL: Run away! Run away! 

CHEKOV: Thppptptptpt! (He wags his hand at them as they leave.) 

RIKER: Fiends, I'll tear them apart! 

CAPTAIN PICARD: No, no, no, no! 

SPOCK: Sir. I have a plan, sir. 

(Hours pass as Chekov listens to strange sounds coming from behind a forest. He hears a creaking noise and some sawing. Then he hears a hammering noise and a Klingon yell in defiance . Soon he hears a jet-like noise. The sound gradually gets closer, when suddenly, to his bewilderment, he sees some a turbolift carrying large wooden tribble headed towards the castle. He discusses this strange happening with his men.) 

CHEKOV: It appears to be a wery large tribble. 

ODO: Hmmph, of course. What for? 

WESLEY: It looks like a gift of some sort. 

SAREK: Logically. 

CHEKOV: What should we do? 

WESLEY: I say we get it as fast as possible. 

(Picard and his men watch in hiding as they slowly drag the floating object into their main gate.) 

CAPTAIN PICARD: What happens now? 

SPOCK: Well, now, Riker, Kirk, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the tribble, taking the Russian by surprise--not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Who leaps out? 

SPOCK: Uh, Riker, Kirk, and I...uh...leap out of the tribble, uh and uh... 

CAPTAIN PICARD: Oh... 

SPOCK: Oh...um, I...look, if we built this large wooden Captains chair-- 

(Picard smacks him and his helmet falls shut. Suddenly they here a 'twang'. They watch as their large wooden tribble is hurled headlong over the castle.) 

ALL: Run away! Run away! 

(The tribble falls on a wondering redshirt and smashes to pieces. The others from the castle watch and break into a fits of laughter.) 


	5. Monty Picard Chapter 5

## 

  
Authors notes: Chapter 5 just as promised (yet 2 days late.) It has the tale of Sir Julian! Read it! Funny stuff!   


#  Monty Picard and the Holy Dilithium Crystal   
Chapter 5 

  
Written By: Q 

### 

SISKO: Defeat at the castle seemed to have utterly disheartened good Captain Picard. The ferocity of the Russian taunting took him completely by surprise, and Picard became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Dilithium Crystal were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Picard, after having consulted his closest Officers, decided that they should seperate and search for the crystal individually. Now this is what they did; Launcelot-- 

(Suddenly a bright beam consumes Sisko as he is mysteriously beamed out of the scene.) 

UHURA: (Runs into the scene.) Sisko! 

THE TALE OF SIR JULIAN 

Q: So each of the knights went their seperate ways. Sir Julian rode north through the deep dark vast Borg ship accompanied by his favorite mistrals. 

DATA: (Music starts up and he starts singing) 

Bravely, bold Sir Julian rode forth from enterprise. He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Julian. He was not at all afraid to be assimilated. Brave, brave, brave, brave sir Julian! 

He was not in the least bit scared to die of increasing age Or to catch a nasty cold the flu and chicken pox To die of an extemely deadly bad viral disease And to get caught by the borg brave Sir Julian 

Wires through his arms And wires through his head And His flesh untended and left for dead and a laser inserted and his mind controlled and his eyeball- 

JULIAN: That's--that's, uh, that's enough music for now Data. It looks like there's dirty work afoot. 

WESLEY: But the academy system is a way of preserving freedom. 

DATA: (Whispering) Wesley forget about freedom, your in the wrong scene. 

(As knights press onward in the Borg ship they suddenly encounter the vicious three headed assimilated monster. The left head is Locutus, the right head is Kirk and the left head is the Holo Doc.) 

THREE HEADED MONSTER: Halt! Who are you? 

DATA: (Singing) He is brave Sir Julian, brave Sir Julian, who... 

JULIAN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody just another borg. 

THREE HEADED MONSTER: What is your purpose here? 

DATA: (Singing) To fight! And- 

JULIAN: Um, oo, n-nothing really. Just to pass through good Sir Borg. 

THREE HEADED MONSTER: You are not one of us. 

JULIAN: Well, I must say I-um... 

THREE HEADED MONSTER: We are borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. 

JULIAN: Well I am an officer from the Enterprise. 

THREE HEADED MOSTER: Your a officer of the Enterprise? 

JULIAN: I am. 

LOCUTUS: In that case we shall have to destroy you. 

HOLOGRAHIC DOCTOR: Shall we? 

KIRK: Oh, we don't think so. 

HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR: Well, what do we think 

LOCUTUS: We think kill him. 

KIRK: Well let's lock him up for a bit and take an extremely long time for some elaborate purpose before we assimilate him. 

HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR: Oh shut up. 

LOCUTUS: Perhaps- 

HOLOGRAPHIC: You too. 

LOCUTUS: Oh quick get the bomb and let's blow him up. 

(Julian and his men watch this argument in fascination and fear.) 

KIRK: Oh, blow ourself up. 

HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR: Yes do us all a favor. 

LOCUTUS: What? 

KIRK: Yapping on all the time! 

HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR: You're lucky you're not next to us! 

LOCUTUS: What do you mean? 

HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR: You're flashy laser thing always gets in our (Locutus turns to look at him.) ahhh! Eyes! 

JULIAN: (Taps his communicator) Seven to beam up. (The team disappears.) 

LOCUTUS: Oh no it doesn't! Anyway you constantly malfunction. 

HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR: Well it's only because you always mess with our projecter parts! 

KIRK: Oh stop arguing and let's go destroy some starships! 

LOCUTUS: Alright, alright, we'll assimilate him first and then destroy starships and then recharge. 

HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR: Yes. 

KIRK: Oh, but not recharge. 

LOCUTUS: Alright, alright, we won't recharge but let's assimilate him anyway! 

THREE HEADED MONSTER: Right! 

LOCUTUS: He buggered off. 

KIRK: So he has, he's scarpered. 

(Scene changes to where Julian is.) 

DATA: (Singing) Brave Sir Julian ran away. 

JULIAN: No! 

DATA: Bravely ran away away! 

JULIAN: I didn't! 

DATA: When danger shows and says, "What's up?" He tells our ship to "Beam us up." 

JULIAN: No! 

DATA: When danger will not disappear, 

JULIAN: I don't! 

DATA: He seeks help from our engineer! Bravely landing on our floors! 

JULIAN: I never did! 

DATA: He flys through many corridors. 

JULIAN: Oh lie! 

DATA: Bravest of the brave Sir Julian! 

JULIAN: I never! 


	6. Monty Picard Chapter 6

## 

  
Authors notes: Here is another funny addition to the Monty Picard collection. It holds the 'Tale of Sir Kirk the Chick Magnet'! Hope you like it!   


#  Monty Picard and the Holy Dilithium Crystal   
Chapter 6 

  
Written By: Q 

### 

THE TALE OF SIR KIRK THE CHICK MAGNET 

(Kirk is beaten down by a visious storm on the planet Altair MMCMXLVIII. He fights the winds and rain with his strong will of survival. Amidst this struggle he turns his eyes up and the unexpected suddenly happens. He sees a holo-projection of the Holy Dilithium Crystal above a castle he had been struggling to reach. He slowly makes his way towards this castle and reaches the door. With all of his might he knocks on the door.) 

KIRK: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of Captain King Arthur Jean-Luc Picard open the door! 

(The door slowly opens and Kirk falls through the opening.) 

GIRL'S VOICES: Hello! 

(Kirk looks up and sees that he is in a castle filled with girls. It seems that he has hit it lucky this time.) 

DEANNA: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Excelsior. 

KIRK: The castle Excelsior? 

DEANNA: Yes...oh, it's kind of an old name isn't it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need! 

KIRK: Are you the keepers of the Holy Dilithium Crystal? 

DEANNA: The what? 

KIRK: The Crystal...it is here? 

DEANNA: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Jadzia! Ro! 

JADZIA and RO: Yes, Deanna? 

DEANNA: Prepare a bed for our guest. 

JADZIA: Oh, thank you! 

RO: Thank you! 

JADZIA: Thank you! 

RO: Thank you! 

JADZIA: Thank you! 

RO: Thank you! 

DEANNA: Away away starfleet officers. The beds here are warm and comfortable, and you may find you like it here. 

KIRK: Well, look, I-I-uh... 

DEANNA: What is your name handsome knight? 

KIRK: Sir Kirk...the chick magnet. 

DEANNA: Mine is Deanna the Betazoid. Oh, but come! 

KIRK: Look please! Show me the grail! 

DEANNA: I feel pain; you have suffered much and you are delirious! 

KIRK: Look...I...have seen it! It is here, in the... 

DEANNA: Sir Kirk! You would not be so bold as to refuse our hospitality. 

KIRK: Well, I-I-uh... 

DEANNA: (Grabbing Kirk and pulling him towards the stairs.) Oh I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but forty young Starfleet officers, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life, reading minds, working communications, looking pretty, wearing mini-skirts... We are not used to handsome knights. 

(Kirk sees he is being directed to a rather comfortable looking sick bay. He struggles momentarily.) 

DEANNA: Nay, nay, come, you may lie here. Oh but you are wounded! And you are in pain! 

KIRK: No, no...it's nothing! 

DEANNA: Oh but you must see the doctors immediately! 

(Kirk struggles some more and then relents.) 

DEANNA: No, no, please, lie down. (She claps.) 

(Kira and Beverly walk in.) 

KIRA: Ah. What seems to be the trouble? 

KIRK: Their doctors!? 

DEANNA: Uh...they've had a basic medical training. 

KIRK: B-but... 

DEANNA: Oh, come, you must try to rest! Doctor Kira, Doctor Beverly, practice your art. 

(They first make him use the pushy foot pedal thing then they take off his shirt to check his scars.) 

BEVERLY: Try to relax. 

KIRK: (Grabbing his shirt) Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? 

BEVERLY: We must examine you. (Takes the shirt back.) 

KIRK: But there's nothing wrong with... 

BEVERLY: Please, we are doctors. (Reaches out to touch his scar) 

KIRK: (Reacts and jumps into bed.) You cannot be! 

BEVERLY: Back to your bed! 

KIRK: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Holy Dilithium Crystal! 

BEVERLY: There's no Holy Crystal here. 

KIRK: I have seen it! I have seen it! (Runs out of the room.) I have seen... 

(He finally finds himself in a room surrounded by girls. He almost cannot stand it any longer.) 

JADZIA: Hello. 

RO: Hello. 

UHURA: Hello. 

YEOMAN JANICE: Hello. 

JANEWAY: Hello. 

(Kirk suddenly spots Deanna.) 

KIRK: Deanna! 

TROI: No, I am Deanna's identical twin sister, Troi. 

KIRK: Oh, well, excuse me, I... 

TROI: Where are you going? 

KIRK: I seek the Holy Dilithium Crystal! I have seen it, here in this castle! 

TROI: Oh no! Oh no! Bad, bad Deanna! 

KIRK: What is it? 

TROI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Deanna! She had been playing with our new holographic game at the top of the castle, and it portrays the prize as the Holy Dilithium Crystal. 

KIRK: (In disbelief.) It's not the real Dilithium Crystal? 

TROI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Deanna! Oh, she is a naughty girl, and she must pay the penalty--and here in the Excelsior, we have but one punishment for setting messing with Crystal bearing games. You must strap her to a medical bed and kiss her! 

GIRLS: A kiss scene! A kiss scene! 

TROI: You must kiss her well. And after you have kissed her, you can kiss her again. And then...kiss me. 

JADZIA: And me! 

KIRA: And me! 

RO: And me! 

TROI: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good kissing! 

GIRLS: A kissing! A kissing! 

TROI: And after the kissing, then comes the cuddling. 

GIRLS: The cuddling! The cuddling! 

KIRK: (Now fully interested.) Well I could stay a bit longer. 

(Suddenly the door flys open and Riker and Geordi fly into the room.) 

RIKER: Sir Kirk! 

KIRK: Oh, hello. 

GEORDI: Quick! 

KIRK: What? 

RIKER: Quick! (Pulls out a phaser.) 

KIRK: Why? 

RIKER: You're in great peril. 

TROI: No he isn't. You've just interupted our kiss scene! 

GEORDI: Kiss scene? 

RIKER: Kiss scene? 

TROI: (Walks up to Riker.) Yeah, pretty boy...kiss scene. 

RIKER: (Smiles) Well in that case I could stay a bit... 

GEORDI: Look we must... (Stops as Uhura walks up smiles and puts her arms around him.) Well maybe... 

(Suddenly as the peril almost is upon them Data flys into the room and grabs our three heroes.) 

DATA: (Pulls out his phaser.) We must escape from this peril. 

TROI: What peril? 

DATA: (Points phaser) Away foul temptress! 

KIRK: Now look its not that importatnt... 

DATA: Quick! Come on I'll cover your escape! 

RIKER: Look we're fine! 

DATA: Come on! 

GEORDI: Data, we can tackle this lot single-handed! 

TROI: Yes, let them tackle us single-handed! 

DATA: No, Geordi, come on. 

RIKER: No really, we can cope. 

KIRK: We can handle this lot easily! 

DEANNA: Yes let them handle us easily. 

GEORDI: We can beat them! 

KIRK: Yeah, there's only one forty of them! 

TROI: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance. 

(Data finally manages to make it out of the castle. 

TROI: Shoot.... 

DATA: I was in the nick of time, you were in great peril. 

GEORDI: I don't think we were. 

DATA: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril. 

RIKER: Look, let me go back there and face the peril. 

DATA: No, it's too perilous. 

KIRK: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can. 

DATA: No, we've got to find the Holy Dilithium Crystal. Come on! 

KIRK: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? 

DATA: No, it's unhealthy. 

RIKER: Bet you're gay! 

DATA: No I'm not. 

Q: Sir Data had saved Sir Kirk, Sir Data, and Sir Geordi from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Dilithium Crystal. Meanwhile, Jean-Luc Picard and Sir Spock, not more than a tricorder's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's a tricorder hurled at warp 9.3, obviously. I mean they were more than two tricorder flights away if it were hurled by a mad Klingon. Four really if they were wearing it was an artificial life-form with magnetic boots on a low-class starship. I mean if only the impulse was used and his strength was drained. 

Officers: Get on with it! 

Q: Oh, anyway, on to the last part of Chapter 6, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Jean-Luc discovers a vital clue, in which their aren't any tricorders, although I think you can hear a communicator. 

Q CONTINUUM: Shut up! 

(In a small tent we see Jean-Luc and Sir Spock talking to an old worn-out man with a tattered starfleet uniform. And this time he's really old! 

MCCOY: Ah, hee hee he ha! 

JEAN-LUC PICARD: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Dilithium Crystal? 

MCCOY: Ha ha ha hee hee ho ho ha ha haaaaa! 

JEAN-LUC PICARD: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? 

MCCOY: Mccoy! 

JEAN-LUC PICARD: Sorry, Mccoy. Where does he live? 

MCCOY: Hee hee hee hah hah. He knows of a black hole, a black hole which no man has entered. 

JEAN-LUC PICARD: Really? No man? 

MCCOY: Yeah, girls dig this place! 

JEAN-LUC PICARD: And the Dilithium Crystal...the dilithium crystal is there? 

MCCOY: There is much danger, for beyond the black hole lies the ameoba of eternal peril, which no one has ever crossed through. 

JEAN-LUC PICARD: But the Dilithium Crystal! Where is the Dilithium Crystal? 

MCCOY: Your looking for the antimatter passageway. 

JEAN-LUC PICARD: The antimatter passageway which leads to the Dilithium Crystal? 

MCCOY: (A transporter beam envelops him.) Hee hee ha ha hmm ha ha! 

(Spock flips up his helmet in disbelief.) 


	7. Monty Picard Chapter 7

  
Authors notes: Sorry for the excessively long wait, but I finally have it! Chapter 7! (I've actually had it ready for months.) I hope you will like it. It contains the tale of Sir Riker and the knights who say...   
Monty Picard and the Holy Dilithium Crystal   
Chapter 7   
Written By: Q 

(Arthur and his men are riding through a dark and mystical wooded land with a sense of fear and evil. There is something lurking in this wood. As they ride suddenly they hear a twig snap. Picard look over and for a moment he thought he had seen a shadowy figure. As he rode on he heard another snap and turned his head. He was almost sure he had seen a figure this time. Then they all stopped as they rode into a clearing and the fog cleared. They looked around to see many strange men wearing strange uniforms and helmets with phasers on top. Suddenly he sees a tall figure in front of him his eyes turn upward and suddenly...) 

RIKER: Make it so! 

(Picard recoiled in horror at this strange officer with a long flowing robe containing starfleet insignia and a helmet with warp nacelles coming out of either side. He regained his composure and asked.) 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: Who are you? 

RIKER: We are the officers who say...Make it so! 

KNIGHTS: Make it so! Make it so! 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: No! Not the officers who say, "Make it so"! 

RIKER: The same! (His eyes grew wide with emphasis.) 

SPOCK: Who are they? 

RIKER: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Make it so, Engage, and Take us out! 

KNIGHTS: Take us out! 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale. 

RIKER: The officers if Make it so demand a sacrifice! 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: Officers of Make it so, we are but simple Starfleet officers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. 

RIKER: Make it so! Make it so! Make it so! Make it so! 

KNIGHTS: Make it so! Make it so! 

(They recoil in pain and torment and just plain irritation.) 

RIKER: We shall say 'Make it so' again to you if you do not appease us. 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: Well what is it you want? 

RIKER: We want...a new suit! 

(They recoil in shock and somehow that piano weeerwoooh heard in the old Star Trek series can be heard as he says it.) 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: A what? 

RIKER: Make it so! Make it so! 

KNIGHTS: Make it so! Make it so! 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find you a new suit. 

RIKER: You must return here with a new suit or else you will never pass through this wood with your sanity intact! 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: O officers of Make it so, you are just and fair, and we will return with a new suit. 

RIKER: One that looks nice. 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: Of course. 

RIKER: And with a cool fade design and lots of pips. 

JEAN-LUC ARTHUR: Yes 

RIKER: Now...go! 

THE TALE OF SIR RIKER 

(We see the usual beginning sequence to the deep space nine episodes with the camera swiveling around the space station and stuff.) 

O'BRIAN: One day, ensign, all this will be yours! 

WESLEY: What the viewports? 

O'BRIAN: No, not the viewports, ensign. All that you can see! Stretched out over the stars and quasers of this sector! This will be your sector, lad! 

WESLEY: But, Odo-- 

O'BRIAN: O'Brian, ensign, O'Brian. 

WESLEY: But, O'Brian, I don't want any of that. 

O'BRIAN: Listen, lad. I've built this space station up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was this wormhole. The Bajorans said I was daft to build a space station near a wormhole, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It was sucked into the wormhole. So, I built a second one. That was sucked into the wormhole. So I built a third one. That was scratched up, blown up and then sucked into the wormhole, but the fourth one stayed up! And that's what your going to get, ensign--the strongest space station in this sector. 

WESLEY: But I don't want any of that--I'd rather-- 

O'BRIAN: Rather what!? 

WESLEY: I'd rather reconfigure the circuitry on the inertia dampers to be able to draw electromagnetic propulsion from the warp nacelles into a contained magnetic power supplier and to sing... 

(Music starts) 

O'BRIAN: Stop that, stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen ensign, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a Bajoran whose father owns the biggest plots of open space in this quadrant. 

WESLEY: But I don't want space. 

O'BRIAN: Listen, William-- 

WESLEY: Wesley. 

O'BRIAN: Wesley. We live near a stinking wormhole. We need all the space we can get. 

WESLEY: But I don't like her. 

O'BRIAN: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got a nice...wrinkled nose. 

WESLEY: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... something. 

(Music starts) 

O'BRIAN: Cut that out, cut that out! Look, you're marring Princess Babe, so you'd better get used to the idea. (Smacks him) Guards! (Walks over to guards.) Make sure the Ensign doesn't leave this room until I come and get him. 

YAR: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. 

WORF: Hic! 

O'BRIAN: No, no. Until I come and get him. 

YAR: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. 

O'BRIAN: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave. 

YAR: And you'll come and get him. 

WORF: Hic! 

O'BRIAN: Right. 

YAR: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room. 

O'BRIAN: No, no. Leaving the room. 

YAR: Leaving the room, yes. 

O'BRIAN: All right? 

YAR: Right. Oh, if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we... 

O'BRIAN: Yes what is it? 

YAR: Oh, if-if, oh-- 

O'BRIAN: Look, it's quite simple. 

YAR: Uh... 

O'BRIAN: You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right? 

WORF: Hic! 

O'BRIAN: Right. 

YAR: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? 

O'BRIAN: No. No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure... 

YAR: Oh, yes, we'll keep him n here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him... 

O'BRIAN: No, no, just keep him in here... 

YAR: Until you or anyone else... 

O'BRIAN: No, not anyone else, just me... 

YAR: Just you. 

WORF: Hic! 

O'BRIAN: Get back. 

YAR: Get back. 

O'BRIAN: Right? 

YAR: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. 

O'BRIAN: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. 

YAR: What? 

O'BRIAN: Make sure he doesn't leave. 

YAR: The ensign? 

O'BRIAN: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave. 

YAR: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. (Points to Worf.) You know, it seemed a little crazy, having to guard him when he's a security officer. 

O'BRIAN: Is that clear? 

WORF: Hic! 

YAR: Oh, quite clear, no problems. 

O'BRIAN: Right. 

(O'Brian starts out the door and the two guards follow him.) 

O'BRIAN: Where are you going? 

YAR: We're coming with you. 

O'BRIAN: No no, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave. 

YAR: Oh, I see. Right. 

WESLEY: But, O'Brian! 

O'BRIAN: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! 

(Music starts up and Wesley is about to sing! 

O'BRIAN: And no singing! 

WORF: Hic! 

O'BRIAN: Oh, go get a glass of water! 

(Wesley sits down to sulk for a moment and then suddenly he gets back up with an idea. In no time he reconfigured the communications system by accessing a panel and hacking into the main drive. He sent a coded signal. Yar watched as he did this but she just smiled at him. She knew what her job was and this wasn't part of it.) 

< Prev 1. Monty Picard Chapter 12. Monty Picard Chapter 23. Monty Picard Chapter 34. Monty Picard Chapter 45. Monty Picard Chapter 56. Monty Picard Chapter 67. Monty Picard Chapter 7

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted. 

Favorite : Story  Author    Follow : Story  Author 

Login

  * [FanFiction][1]
  * [FictionPress][1]
  * [Google][1]
  * [Facebook][1]
  * [Twitter][1]

Post Review

* * *

Report Abuse Add Story to Community  Go  .  

Share

  * [Google+][2]
  * [Twitter][3]
  * [Tumblr][4]
  * [Facebook][5]

  .  Follow/Favorite

+ Follow 

* * *

Story  Writer 
+ Favorite 

* * *

Story  Writer 

Working... Close Save

   [1]: #
   [2]: https://plus.google.com/share?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F7%2F
   [3]: http://twitter.com/home?status=Reading+story%3A+http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F7%2F
   [4]: http://www.tumblr.com/share/link?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F7%2F
   [5]: http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fs%2F40527%2F7%2F



End file.
